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Ten Reasons to Murder Your Elf on the Shelf

Ten Reasons to Murder Your Elf on the Shelf
Read Carefully



# 1 He’s Nothing But a Dirty Little Narc


You hated this kid on the playground. Every time he didn’t get to play dodge ball with you (because he was a snot nosed cry baby) he ran and told the teacher. And now no one in America can play dodge ball.


#2 He’s Ruining Your Sex Life


It’s hard enough to wait for the kids to get to sleep to get lucky. Now you add moving the stupid little narc around your house without getting caught. And you can’t put him in the same place twice, and you can’t forget or the kids have a freak out because he obviously didn’t fly to the North Pole. Who wants to get it on after that? The pressure can kill a man.


#3 He’s Just F%&*KING Weird


I mean just look at him. What the hell?


#4 Rankin and Bass Would be Appalled


Their elves just wanted to be dentists and spread Christmas cheer. Who decided that the millennials needed some weird ass little toy that watched them all month? Like the pressure of getting IG likes wasn’t enough, now they have a creepy toy that tells on them every night.


#5 He Doesn’t Even Have a Good Story


Rudolph just wanted to fly with Santa and got shut out of Reindeer games. Frosty just wanted to sing and play. Even the Heat Miser and Snow Miser (while slightly creepy) had cool story lines. This guy is just a dick. He probably went to Princeton.


#6 Michael Corleone Would Do It


He would name his elf Fredo, tell him that he broke his heart, and then have some goons shoot him in a boat. Side note, this is an excellent way to dispose of your Elf’s body if you have access to a lake, lagoon or just a murky swamp.


#7 You’re Messing Up Your Kids


It seemed cute in the beginning. But then it just got creepy, right? You had to explain that he flies to the North Pole and reports to Santa about their daily mistakes like some sort of tiny KGB agent. But now, they have questions and you’re making up weird ass answers and using a tiny doll to discipline your kids. This is not going to end well.


#8 He Hates You


Don’t believe me? Look at the smirk on his face. He judges you, harshly.


#9 Your Kids Have Enough Pressure


Taken a standardized test lately? Tried to sit still for 8 hours without poking your neighbor? Childhood is hard, why add the Narc on a Shelf?


#10 You Will NEVER be THIS Creative


My friend Felicity stages Lego/Elf wars every night. There are props, there are plots, there is obviously no sleep going on over there. You will try to be as funny. You’ll make yourself crazy buying tiny props. Instead of enjoying champagne with friends you’ll be working on that night’s epic Facebook post with your elf. But it will never be this. So just do it. Tell the kids you caught the Elf trying to steal presents just like the Grinch, but YOU saved Christmas and that goddamned smirky little dick is sleeping with the fishes. Feel free to alter your dialogue to age appropriate cussing.






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